Stefanie is a 19-year old birth mom who lives in Utah. She recently placed her daughter, Olivia Kate, for adoption in September of this year. Her adoptive couple is Dustinn and Val, and the above (awesome) photo is of Stefanie, Olivia and Val (thank you Stef for letting us steal that photo pose idea!!)
I said a prayer that everything would work out according to His will, confident in my belief that He knew better than I did. I opened my scriptures at random; my copy of the Book of Mormon fell open and my eye caught this previously-highlighted scripture:
I. "I could never place my baby for adoption."
This one used to make me cringe each time I heard it. I felt like I had failed at motherhood and the person making the comment has succeeded. That I must have been heartless to be able to do such an act. I felt inferior, like I need to prove something to them.
I have since learned I am not inferior, and I do not have to prove my mothering abilities to anyone. I believe now that comment has more to do with the person making it, than myself. Never has a woman secure in her role as a mother said that to me. Only the doubting, struggling-to-get-by mothers who feel that they must make such a declaration.
[Brie also said that while some people do say this phrase to her and mean it as a compliment, it doesn't come across that way. It's best not to say this at all.]
II. "What a wonderful gift you have given to a childless couple."
Try to see this one from the birth mother's point of view. Now, I love my daughter's adoptive parents, but by no means did I place my first born child as a 'gift' to a childless couple. I am not that nice, not that giving. When I clutched my nine month pregnant belly with tears in my eyes, I did not recite the phrase, "Just think how I am giving a special gift to people I do not know".
When it comes down to the day when you hold your child for the first time, all thoughts of anyone else but your child and yourself fade away. There has to be a higher reason for placement.
I gave Emily's parents as a gift to my daughter. That was my plan. That was my intention. Now, as an added benefit, I see her parents lives enriched by Emily's existence. Together, we celebrate the gift of knowing our daughter, Emily.
III. "You can have other children."
This speaker means well, I am sure, but this comment can strike the very heart of a birth mother. Other children? You can never replace another child with another! To try and do so is to dishonor the child you have placed for adoption and the child you use to fill the void.
Let us remember our children. Let us celebrate them. We hold a special place in our hearts where their names will be etched forever.
No matter how many babies you carry out of the hospital with you, you never will forget the one you did not.
IV. A lady once said to me, "That sure is 'nice' of her parents to let you see Emily."
My quick reply was, "That sure was nice of me to give them my baby!"
Needless to say she said nothing more. I try to educate people by telling them my story, even on days I do not feel like doing so. Some, I have learned, are not able to be very teachable on the subject.
Her attitude was that I should be grateful, as a dog is grateful to get scraps from the dinner table. I will not put myself in such a position. I refuse to be the silent shadow in the corner with my eyes downcast.
Aside from the fact my daughter's parents would never treat me in such a fashion, I am grateful to God. The open adoption I have with my daughter is like a gift from Him-a gift that I get to open each time I see her smiling face.
V. The fifth response a Birth mother does not want to hear is an awkward silence.
We want to talk about our children. We want to remember them. We know when you are avoiding it, and it hurts.
I love it when others ask me how Emily is doing and to ask to see the pictures from my recent visit. I enjoy swapping my labor and delivery tales with other mothers. By the way, I was in labor for forty-two hours with my Emily! Ouch!
It is okay to talk about the children we placed. We placed them for adoption. We did not place them out of our thoughts and hearts.
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You can also read these what-not-to-say comments that birth mom Andee posted on her blog.
Kamie and I know each other from our days at Snow College. She taught me a lot about adoption, back when Que and I were starting to consider it. She made adoption seem not such a scary step to take and we are grateful for her example. Kamie and I also have a mutual friend in Michelle A., who was my roommate at Snow. 
It was so fun to have Brie back at the house! She held the baby and talked to him- it was so cute.
(Look at her, can you believe she had him 2 weeks ago?!)
Then we carved pumpkins and ate dinner (Que made a jack-o-lantern pizza) and even though we text each other every day we still had stuff to tell each other and get caught up on. It was so fun! We were so happy Brie could come over!
This one was mine. I love the eye in the window.
This one was Liam's pumpkin (Que did this one). We decided to make his an owl to match his pack n play.
And this one was Brie's. I love it!
She loved it! (Click the photo to better see his lightning "scar" and the note.)
Here are the winners of the baby birth stat guessing contest! You all win 10 fake dollars and tons and tons of self-esteem regarding your riddling abilities.
Q: Who is Danielle?
